here comes the sun

thank god for new mornings. new beginnings. new mercies.
jamison and i have been awake since 2:26 this morning. he has decided to lobby for staying on china time. it is taking it's toll on all of us. when the sun started to rise this morning, i was so thankful to see it. it made me feel hopeful for the day ahead.
many of you have written to me or called just to check in. i very much value all of the words about jet-lag, attachment and bonding and depression. each time i hear from someone i feel like you are throwing me/us a little life line to keep going. it is difficult for me to post blogs right now as i am fully aware of how much inside of my own head i am. really, none of this is about me at all, quite the contrary.....but, because i am ME, i have a hard time letting go and focusing on what is important. i am praying about my selfishness and for much wisdom, and for god's heart for jamison. anyway, thank you so, so very much for all of your advice and support. it is invaluable.

now about jamison......he is doing chores. he puts away the silverware and helps to change the laundry, he will rinse and scrape all of the dishes. he tries to help wash off the table, but i am considering re-assigning that task to someone who can see :)
his burning desire to be independent is a great gift. when he allows himself to be taught, he takes hold of a concept and runs with it. he really loves to learn, and i am just dying to be able to communicate more with him, as i know it will show us all so much more of who is hidden away inside of there. discipline is a HUGE issue. he is grossly put off that i would ever have the audacity to tell him "no". doing so usually ends in a session of him wailing and howling and clawing at my face. fortunately he does not try as hard as he could or damage would be done. i just continue to hold him very close and restrain his arms while whispering to him, "i love you, everything is going to be okay." today we have had one 40 minute session like this and a shorter 22 minute session. this is reminiscent of what we went through with whitman, so i think it is within the range of normal for our current situation.
we have a friend who speaks mandarin who is coming over this afternoon to hang out and try to talk with jamison about how he is doing. we hope to help explain some of the things that have been frustrating him and confusing him. he does SO much better when he understands what is going on (like all of us) so i hope this will help him.
i have really been thinking that moving to minnesota has now taken away another of his major senses. his main mode of being able to understand the world around him was his communication through language, and now that has been taken away.....it is almost like he is blind and deaf right now, not quite, but you know what i am saying. oh, he is a trooper.
he is busy exploring the house and learning about all of the nook's and crannie's. he is playing a lot with his brothers today, a great improvement from yesterday.
that is all i can ask for. one small improvement is a wonderful, BIG thing right now!

confessions of an overwhelmed mom

ohh goodness, i am truly sorry it's taken me so long to add another post. i thought i'd wait until i could get my hands on all of the pictures (i know that's what you are waiting for!) but i just don't know when that will happen, so it seemed best to write about our new life.
our arrival in minneapolis was so wonderful. jamison did better than expected on all of those flights, and he was excited to meet "father" and "five didi's". we had a great turnout of people to support us and welcome him home! it was so encouraging to see so many friendly and loving faces. a BIG thank you to everyone who was there! i was, as predicted, crying like a baby when i saw all of my little monkey's again. and scott......well, let's just say that i have learned a new appreciation for him after being away for so long. he has been FANTASTIC since we got home.
jamison is really having a lot of mood swings (expected) and acts distant sometimes (expected). he is just starting to test scott (expected) and he is not sure that he wants to be here at all (expected). i am really struggling with how to react to him (not expected!). it feels like i am choosing to love him and it's not coming as easily as i thought it would. he is just really pushing away, and i can't seem to find a crack in his armor yet. i will just continue to love him, and continue to hope and pray that, given time, he will settle into his place in our family. i know it is SO very early to be saying all of this. i know that he needs so much time and space, i'm just fessing up to what i am feeling like. he is surely completely uncertain right now. i just hope that scott and i will be able to be the strength and love and safe harbor he needs. all by the grace of abba.
we all played hide and seek last night and he loved that. he really likes all the food he has been presented with so far. he likes to help try and take care of fisher and if one of his brothers is sad, he tries to comfort them. it is very precious. he is completely amazing at building with legos. he fashioned this super sweet airplane with a smaller airplane that just snaps into place on top of the "mother ship". it is VERY cool. we will be buying more legos.
thank you to all of you for all of your encouraging comments on this blog. i was just able to read them all when i got home from china. so heartfelt and truly what i needed to hear. thank you all so much for taking the time to write and to follow up on sweet little jamison. i really DO hope to post pictures soon!

Flight Information

Hi everyone, It looks like they are still set to travel back tomorrow evening. Here is the flight information please check and make sure that there aren't any delays before you head out to the airport. See you there! 7/23 leave Shanghai at 12:25 PM On Flight UA858 and arrive in San Francisco at 8:29am. Then leave San Francisco on flight UA94 at 12:44pm and arrive in Minneapolis at 6:20pm.
Scottie

3 days and counting...

hello faithful blog readers! we have three days left in guangzhou before we leave for the united states. i am learning a whole lot about jamison, and now realize that transitions send him through the roof. he will just get used to our new hotel and province, and then we will get on a plane and go somewhere else. it is in the days following the move that he has his meltdowns. i think once he is in the states and realizes that minnesota is the last stop, he will begin to relax and put down his roots. he is SO independent and wants very badly to learn how to do things on his own. he loves to swim and play hide and seek, he is almost always making noise of some sort, either playing an instrument, or singing, or yelling, i prefer the first two methods.

In a couple of hours we will go back to the clinic to get the results of his T.B. test read. if he is cleared of T.B., we should be good to go on thursday. his test site looks really good to me, so i am hopeful for good results.
for any of you coming to the airport, i think that jamison will be out of his mind exhausted (julieann and i too) but, i think he will be excited to meet his father and brothers. i think it will be wonderful for anyone to come who wants to, and i think jamison will like to have people there excited to meet him. he likes feeling loved!!
don't worry about being too loud or anything. he is very outgoing and i have only seen him shy once, and that was around an 11 year old girl ;)
when i get back, there are some wonderful pictures that i will post. many of you from the PHF waiting families group will have some great new pictures of your babes....i can't wait to send them to you!! three days and counting!!! see you soon!

Breakthrough

I have great news to report! It would seem that Jamison and I have reached an understanding with each other. After a couple of very difficult days here in Fuzhou, we have had a breakthrough. The story is a little long, but suffice it to say that he has not had any big fits, meltdowns, breakdowns or outbursts in two days now. He really seems to understand that I want to help him and that I am on his side. He is letting me hug him and kiss him again, and he is letting me tell him that I love him with out him yelling “NO!!” he is relaxing and he is trying very hard to understand and to be understood. I can’t tell you the peace of mind it has given me seeing him interact in such a healthy way. It is extremely encouraging.

Tomorrow night we leave Fuzhou and go to Guangzhou…yet another test of our brand new relationship. Each place we travel in china takes us a little further away from what is safe and familiar to him, and a little closer to coming to the united states, the biggest test yet. I have a lot of confidence in him at this point, though. He is just so very smart. I really think, given time, he will do very well.

To say that I am amazed by his spirit and determination would be a gross understatement. I am flabbergasted at his resilience. It is overwhelming to think of all that he has gone through and is going through…..and he is willing to keep trying. He is willing to love. He is willing to be loved. His heart and spirit are going to take him far. I am so, so happy that I will be here to see where he ends up. What an incredible, unspeakable honor.

Hello everyone! Heather has just sent me an email and asked me to copy in what she wants added to the blog. So without further adieu her is the latest right from Heathers thoughts.

"we have left shepherds field and are now on the second leg of our journey. i wanted to take some time to tell you about what is going on right now for little Jamison. i knew that leaving shepherds field would be our first big test, and that has turned out to be true.
our honeymoon period has officially ended. Jamison is REALLY grieving his loss, as I believe he now very much understands that this is more permanent than he realized. He is lashing out toward me right now and in general testing the boundaries like crazy. he will pitch a fit if i don't give him his way....especially concerning calling shepherd's field and going swimming. he has started yelling and hitting himself and trying to hide from me.....this usually ends up working out in my favor as he can't see where to hide, and ends up in plain view:) he now says "No i love you mommy!!" in an effort to communicate his frustration.
i, so far have just physically put myself in his business. i hold him even when he says no, i hug him even when he is plugging his ears and yelling....and i keep telling him that i love him even though he is angry and hurting. i hope, in time, these fits will lessen and he will allow trust to get it's foot in the door. please keep praying. i need it badly right now. he does too. this is emotionally exhausting for me and for my friend Julieann who is with me.

now for good news!! in all of the times and spaces in between.....i get glimpses of his true personality. he is SO SMART, i can't wait for us to be able to communicate better....that alone would alleviate so much of his frustration. he loves to learn and is eager to figure out the world around him. he has a great sense of humor. oops...i gotta GO he;s awake and looking for me...i'll write more soon"

News, News News!

News from Heather! For those of you that didn't catch my comment on Heather's last post I was able to break into her blog account (with permission) and give everyone more information from a phone call I got today. Heather hasn't been able to access this Blogger account so that leaves me in charge of the updates for now. Heather and Jamison are learning new things about one another a break-neck speeds. Heather was telling me that he has been bouncing off of the walls with energy accompanied with a non stop singing and chatter. They have been out to dinner a few times already at restaurants, a first time experience for Jamison and a new hobby. His favorite thing other than Heather has been our digital camera. So far Heather is on her 3rd set of double A's in 3 days (I hope I bought a big enough memory card). He is a little shorter than Heather imagined, probably a little shorter than Elliott but with Holden's physique! Jamison has been Heather's shadow these first few days much to Heather's delight. Heather has had the opportunity to talk with Jamison's nannies through an interpreter to find out more about his day to day quirks and monkey business (The Christopher family is in the monkey business, Est. 1999) Heather was able to share pictures of the other five monkeys and that brought a smile to the nannies faces. Well I guess that's all for now. I'll keep everyone in the loop just remember I didn't hear from her for the first 3 days!
Scott

PS. That second picture of Heather should be listed in the encyclopedia next to the word compassion. If there was ever a photo that should be copyrighted to Time magazine, it's that one! Kudos to JulieAnn for an amazing photo!

Into the great wide open

tomorow morning is the day! julieann and i have our carry-on's all packed...we'll see if we can actually swing it going the carry-on only route. we both know that coming back we will be anything but carrry-on only! julie ann's husband, josh is going to drive us to the airport at 5:00am, so we can fly out by 7:00.
there is about a snowball's chance in hell that i am going to sleep tonight, so it's good to be leaving nice and early! :)
i keep wondering what his skin feels like. i am going to touch all over his face. i am going to feel all of the valley's and bumps of his scars. if he will have it, i'm going to kiss him all over that sweet little face.....maybe even if he won't have it. he's in for it, that's for sure.
oh abba, hold his heart so close, and so carefully. give him every bit of peace that he needs to keep making it through these next days and weeks and months. thanks so much for bringing him this far, don't let go now. never let go.
jamison, there are two crazy ladies coming your way! well, at least one of them is crazy, but i won't say which one. all of the waiting is almost over. soon, my love, we will be together. counting the seconds.............