well, okay, you guys are asking for updates......i know this means you are checking in on me to make sure i am still sane. i have been taking a little hiatus from blogging, it's been a little nuts around here, and by a little i mean a whole lot.
i've been debating in my little brain what to say and how to say it. i'm about to explode with everything i am thinking and feeling, and i'm willing to wager that jamison is in the same boat, except more so.
i won't be able to live with myself if i am not honest, so here goes.............
this. is. very. very. crazy. insane. hard.
i remember the good ole' days, when i could get away with being a lazy parent. it was wonderful. now i am being stretched and tested to the utter limits of myself.......so it's a good thing i'm not doing this on my own. holy cow, i am a weak, weak person. i reached the end of myself days ago. whatever is going on now is completely from abba. this is the most difficult thing that i have ever done. our marriage is tested, our relationship with our children is tested, my deepset convictions about love are being tested.
were it not for our abba, the author of everything, i would be done. only he knows, and he holds the very heart of jamison and the very heart of me in his perfect and capable hand.
i kicked the door down to our bathroom a week ago. jamison locked himself in, and was having a tsunami of a meltdown. he was screaming and screaming, slamming drawers and cupboards, ripping down shower curtains. i was so scared that he was going to break the massive mirror in our bathroom and cut his arm to sheds.....he would not let me in. i tried to jimmy the lock with a knife, it wouldn't budge. scott was at soccer practice with most of our kids. so, i kicked the door down.....this was the beginning of one of the longest nights of my life so far.
if there is anyone out there who has struggled with post adoption issues, or post adoption depression, or fighting with your heart about how to love this child, then this post is for you!
take heart and never give up.
never give up.
never give up.
i will love you forever, little jamison.
my heart is for you.
i am as stubborn as you are, and i won't give up, i will love you until you let me love you.
i will kick down every door in this house to get to you.
we are all in this together now, kid. you are stuck with us and we are going to do this until we fit together......if it takes one year or ten years or all of the years i have left, i am trusting abba to make a way.
there is not a lot more to say, we are struggling over here. that's the truth.
i am super in love with my husband, that's the truth.
i cry myself to sleep almost every night, that's the truth.
jamison is a lost little soul right now, that's the truth.
the only thing left is our abba and that's the only truth that matters.
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Heather...i ache for you, i ache for jamison, and for scott and the rest of the kids. you all remain in our prayers. remember that perfect love casts out fear, and while none of us love our kids perfectly, God does love you all and His love will remove the fears that Jamison has and replace his grieving with rejoicing. It will happen. He can heal the broken hearted and restore the years that the locusts have stolen from this precious little boy.
ReplyDeleteI met a really wonderful woman at our vbs that is from the Yunnan province and told her about your adoptions. If you want a translator, she volunteered to help. She has a 3 year old boy and an 8 month old boy. Just let me know. Even if you just needed someone to call to be able to put Jamison on the phone and get some things translated... she would do it in a heartbeat. Let me know. Anything else we can do for you... DO NOT hesistate to ask. I am so glad you can still focus on truth. And you can call anytime, day or middle of the night if you need someone to talk to or to listen.
Heather-
ReplyDeletePraying for you all. Our hearts just ache for you all. We are so very sorry this transition period is so difficult. God hears your heart. He loves you all very much - much more than you can ever imagine. You are right. Abba is the only one who can get you through, and He will!
In Christ,
Janet, Kevin, Ted, Philip, and waiting for Eli
Way to go on being so honest and trusting our Father so much.
ReplyDeleteWe hurt a little with you and will pray, pray, pray.
This too, shall pass.
Love, Julie (and Marc)
Hey, I tried to give you a ring this morning. Will try again later. Praying for you all!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry it's so tough right now. I feel for all of you. I've been there with an older child adoption, not quite as old as Jamison. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help. Prayers going up right now.
ReplyDeleteYou're so right when you say that God is the only truth that matters. I pray that the One who calmed the seas will calm your storms and ease your heart.
ReplyDeleteA BIG HUGE GOD LOVIN' CYBER HUG! I'm hear when you need to talk! You know I've walked down some of this road!
ReplyDeleteLOVE,
-Nicole
Oh Hayer, thank you so much for sending me the link to your blog. And I am blessed by your honesty! You are one of the most courageous families I've known! I am praying for you as you continue to navigate these waters!
ReplyDeleteLove, Teri (Henderson) Sommer