Shepherd's Field pictures

here are, at long last, some pictures of our time at shepherd's field (philip hayden foundation)
i have pretty much only included pictures of the sweet babes, i hope some of you see your little one in here somewhere. they are too wonderful and precious for words. i have stories for grady's family if your out there.....and if anyone is interested in an amazing, kind, quiet, loving, dear, sweet, older boy, Joseph is your man. he has stolen my heart.
i am sorry if this format is really stupid. i do not know how to put pictures on here, and this is the best i could do.

lots of baby steps

we have been home three weeks now! there is good news to report.
jamison has been doing really well for the past few days! he seems to be settling in ever so slightly. just little things here and there that would lead one to believe that he is feeling more comfortable.
on a regular basis he: *is playing with his brothers more
*is following the "routine" of the day
*is trusting us in new areas
*is going to bed without having a meltdown
*is saying "sorry" at appropriate times
*is not trying to hole himself up in his bedroom all alone
*is not hurting himself when he is very angry or very sad

these are some of the examples that i can think of right off the top of my head. i believe that there has been some small improvements each day. this is fantastic. having friends who speak mandarin and are willing to help out has been a lifesaver! the times that we have sat down together with the ability to really ask questions and try to understand have been some big steps forward. jamison always says that he thinks things are hard but going very well. he is sad that he does not speak english yet......after three weeks.
i have noticed marked improvement in his angry rages......they seem to be shorter and he seems to be allowing me to comfort him more and more during these episodes. it is deeply, deeply sad to see him hurting so much, but that is a topic for another blog.
he is making a better connection with his friend in wisconsin, and it is very special to watch and listen to them talk together.
he wants to participate more in family type of stuff. when we played a game last night, jamison was on my team, and when i explained that we were not winning, he tried to pass some extra game pieces over to his dad to give us a leg up. little things like this mean a lot, and show that he is understanding more and more.
all of this is good and encouraging.
i am off to play alien's with the brood. much love.

the truth hurts

well, okay, you guys are asking for updates......i know this means you are checking in on me to make sure i am still sane. i have been taking a little hiatus from blogging, it's been a little nuts around here, and by a little i mean a whole lot.
i've been debating in my little brain what to say and how to say it. i'm about to explode with everything i am thinking and feeling, and i'm willing to wager that jamison is in the same boat, except more so.
i won't be able to live with myself if i am not honest, so here goes.............
this. is. very. very. crazy. insane. hard.
i remember the good ole' days, when i could get away with being a lazy parent. it was wonderful. now i am being stretched and tested to the utter limits of myself.......so it's a good thing i'm not doing this on my own. holy cow, i am a weak, weak person. i reached the end of myself days ago. whatever is going on now is completely from abba. this is the most difficult thing that i have ever done. our marriage is tested, our relationship with our children is tested, my deepset convictions about love are being tested.
were it not for our abba, the author of everything, i would be done. only he knows, and he holds the very heart of jamison and the very heart of me in his perfect and capable hand.
i kicked the door down to our bathroom a week ago. jamison locked himself in, and was having a tsunami of a meltdown. he was screaming and screaming, slamming drawers and cupboards, ripping down shower curtains. i was so scared that he was going to break the massive mirror in our bathroom and cut his arm to sheds.....he would not let me in. i tried to jimmy the lock with a knife, it wouldn't budge. scott was at soccer practice with most of our kids. so, i kicked the door down.....this was the beginning of one of the longest nights of my life so far.
if there is anyone out there who has struggled with post adoption issues, or post adoption depression, or fighting with your heart about how to love this child, then this post is for you!
take heart and never give up.
never give up.
never give up.
i will love you forever, little jamison.
my heart is for you.
i am as stubborn as you are, and i won't give up, i will love you until you let me love you.
i will kick down every door in this house to get to you.
we are all in this together now, kid. you are stuck with us and we are going to do this until we fit together......if it takes one year or ten years or all of the years i have left, i am trusting abba to make a way.
there is not a lot more to say, we are struggling over here. that's the truth.
i am super in love with my husband, that's the truth.
i cry myself to sleep almost every night, that's the truth.
jamison is a lost little soul right now, that's the truth.
the only thing left is our abba and that's the only truth that matters.